Going with the flow...

For a long time, I believed what they said
Let the insecurity, get inside my head
Eventually resigned to settle for less
My self esteem, a growing abscess

The civil war inside my heart
Caused it all to fall apart
Left my self-image in ruin
and I had no idea what I was doin'

Looking for approval from any source
Some outside strength to reinforce
The walls around my heart, falling down
While making room for my crown

Stripped naked, with my heart on my sleeve
Waiting for my defects to leave
But those that stay, prove to me
That this isn't as simple as I want it to be

I'm never going to feel like enough
If I don't learn how to deal with this stuff
So I'll start at the bedrock below
And just keep going with the flow...

October's Silver Lining...

October has always been my favorite month of the year. My birthday, Halloween and the beauty of Autumn, are all wrapped up in this one glorious month. Of course it's my favorite. Four years ago, when my brother unexpectedly passed away on October 15th, I thought October would be ruined forever. How could I ever love the month that took my best friend? For a while I couldn't...

But this year is different. I just recently came to the realization that I'm no longer focused on the horrible thing that happened to me in October 2011. Instead I'm focused on the miracle that has been born from my brother's death. Most of us want to believe in miracles and we see them as something that only happens through the living, but I truly believe there was a miracle in my brother's passing.

My brother's death shook me so hard that it forced me to get butt-naked honest with myself. I had to take a sincerely honest look at my life, because I had no idea who I truly was. I wasn't happy or feeling fulfilled and things needed to change. My own mortality was realized, the day I lost the closest peer I've ever known. If Nick's life could be cut short, so could mine. Anyone who knew my brother, knew that he was a huge fan of having a good time. While he was alive, Nick lived... I needed to start doing the same.

A million things have happened in the last four years, since my brother died. I've also made a million choices that were governed by my new outlook on living life while I'm alive. I've made really hard choices that I never thought I could make. I've done things that I only dreamed of doing. I've gotten so vulnerable and grown so much... and I can trace it all back to loosing my brother and gaining an attitude of urgency and living for today, that only his death could give me.

The miracle wasn't that my brother beat addiction and went on to live happy, joyous and free. Unfortunately, he didn't get that opportunity. The miracle is that his death was a catalyst for me to change my own life... in turn changing the lives of everyone I touch. Even though Nick isn't here with me in the physical world, he still touches every part of my journey. His vivacious spirit is sprinkled over everything I do.

Today, when I think back to that horrendous day in 2011, I know it was the first day of my new life. I refuse to let a tragedy as big as Nick's death, not stand for something great. My life today is richer than it's ever been, despite missing Nick. I spend my days being grateful for the abundance that has come my way... a wonderful daughter, great friends, a partner that accepts all of me, a loving family and a life full of opportunities to be my true self. These things may not seem like much to some, but they are everything to me... because I had to work extremely hard for each and every one of them.

I had to change a lot, in order to be happy. Now I understand what it means when they say, "Happiness is a choice." It certainly is. Every single day I have to find the humility, honesty and tenacity to fight for my own happiness. I have to take the high road with those that want to bring me down. I have to look at my part in everything and get honest with myself about where I need to make improvements. I have to see past the end of my own nose, in order to be kind, loving and of service to those that need me. It isn't easy, but it's certainly worth it.

This October, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the path that I've been shown, following tragedy. I'm thankful for all of the opportunities that the Universe has given me to grow into my true self. I'm not focused on what was taken from me, four years ago today, but what I've gained in that time.
I miss my brother more with each passing day, but I'm comforted by the fact that he's guiding me in a way that no one else can. Today I celebrate the positive attributes of change.

In Loving Memory of Nick Schemenauer 1983 - 2011

Get over yourselves, America: My two cents on Body Acceptance

I don't usually write opinion pieces, but this week a certain subject has been on my mind, as well as my newsfeed. By now, many people are familiar with Tess Holliday, the first size 22 model to be signed to a major modeling agency. Not only is Tess gorgeous, but she's a body-positive activist. Launched in 2013, her #effyourbeautystandards movement on social media, has been delivering the message that women should feel confident in their bodies, regardless of their size and what society tells them is beautiful. Hundreds of thousands of followers have found positive messages, images and support through this movement... me included.

I guess that's why I find it so disheartening when I read negative comments about Tess and what she's doing, as a role model. One of the main arguments I see is that celebrating a plus size model is promoting obesity. I fail to see the logic in that. All my life I've seen thin models on the covers of magazines, on the pages inside and on practically every advertisement for pretty much any product I can think of. The majority of the actors and actresses I've seen in movies and TV have also been thin. Our society promotes thinness as beauty. It promotes thinness as the standard. When I see someone like Tess, someone that looks more like me than 99.9% of the models that I've been exposed to my entire life, I can't help but get excited.

 See, the thing is... I'm over weight and have been for most of my life. Not because I eat much differently than anyone else, but because I'm predisposed to being a larger person. For me to be thin, I'd really have to work hard at it and I still would likely never be small. It's just not the way I'm built. I certainly do know how to exercise, limit what I eat and make healthy choices, but like most average Americans, I don't always do that perfectly. Sometimes I don't feel like taking my usual 3 mile walk between my two physical jobs and instead, swing through the drive-thru and grab something off the dollar menu. Sometimes (okay, every year) I sneak my favorite candy from my daughter's trick-or-treat stash. Sometimes I eat an entire sleeve of thin mints, straight out of the freezer because, why not? I enjoy food and relaxing as much as anyone else... and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't live off of salad and rice cakes and jog 10 miles a day... not because salad isn't tasty and a brisk jog isn't invigorating, but because that's not how I choose to live my life. A lot of people don't, regardless of their size. In my experience, my exercise and eating habbits are not that dissimilar from many other single, working moms, with two jobs.  And there are a lot of other fat Americans just like me.

The problem I have with the negative attitudes towards fat people is that it's automatically assumed that we're all lazy, over eaters with terrible health problems. While that's true for many people - again, regardless of size, it's not necessarily the standard for over weight individuals. It certainly isn't for Tess Holliday, who often posts pictures with her personal trainer, on her instagram account. Many of us are living our lives just like thin people do, except we have a few more inches on our waist lines. Should we really be chastised for not working our tails off, to conform to society's idea of beautiful?

This is a big reason why I find it so disgusting that people are equating a plus size model with the promotion of obesity and an unhealthy lifestyle. It's as if society expects all fat people to just hole up in our houses and eat ourselves to death. Like we shouldn't be allowed to be a part of the American culture... we shouldn't be allowed in fashion, or Hollywood, or pretty much anywhere... all because we're fat. As soon as we come out and say, "Hey, look at me! I'm big and beautiful. I'm proud of the skin I'm in and I love my body exactly as it is today!", we're promoting obesity. Really, America?
 
Notice I didn't say, "Hey look at me! I eat like a damn pig and I have no regard for my well being! I'm not trying to improve my health at all. I'm just happy being huge and everybody else should do the same thing I'm doing!"... because that's not the message. The message is, "Just because you're fat, doesn't mean you're not a beautiful person." We don't generally make assumptions about the health of an "average sized" person, just by looking at them. Why is it okay to do that to the very large, or the very small? It's not. The fact is, you can't really tell shit about someone's health, by looking at a picture. And another novel concept... A person's health is their own business! Seriously.

At one time I was definitely a victim of society's messages that thin = beauty. It never caused me to develop bulimia, but it did contribute to my low self esteem, especially as a teenager and young adult. It perpetuated the idea that, unless I looked like the Photoshopped and airbrushed, size 0 models on the cover of Vogue, I wasn't beautiful and I wasn't good enough. It made me question myself every time I walked into a room full of people. Were they seeing me, or just another fat girl? Should I sit on the couch or the chair? Which one will hide my love handles better? How many chins do I have right now? Is this shirt suctioning to my rolls? Am I the fattest person here?

I wasted so much energy, worrying about being fat, but you know what? It never pushed me towards successful weight loss. Society's message that thin = beauty, never motivated me to jog 10 miles a day and live off of salad... it just made me feel like shit about myself. America isn't at war with obesity, it's at war with having to look at the fat body. The people who argue that the body-positive movement promotes unhealthy lifestyles, are using that argument to hide behind the fact that they really just don't want to have to look at my fat ass. Well, too bad.

The new body-positive me, that celebrates plus size model Tess Holliday, is confident in my skin. I look at myself in the mirror everyday and try to accept every bump, bulge, stretch mark and scar. I'm not always successful at accepting all of me, but I'm making amazing progress and it all started with me liking a few body-positive pages on Facebook... filling my newsfeed with beautiful women who resemble my body type. I began to see larger women wearing styles that, until that point, I only saw on thin people. This encouraged me to explore my own style further and to really start to embrace my curves. And it just keeps getting better for me!

In the last 10 months I think I've lost about 15 pounds. I'm not totally sure, because I don't even own a scale. The 15 pounds isn't really that big of a deal, especially since I wasn't actually trying to do it. What's more important is that I feel sexier and more confident in my skin than I ever have before... because I'm taking better care of myself physically and emotionally. I'm still not doing it perfectly and I probably never will, but the pressure is totally off. When I can truly accept myself exactly how I am and where I am in my life, I have freedom. Accepting myself doesn't mean that I'm content to make bad choices and compromise my health. It means that I'm honest with myself, compassionate towards my body and okay with who I am. It means I get to be me while I'm alive, instead of waiting around until I get skinny...

The quietude of the interlude...

It's easy to love 

when all is well

So easy to be happy

While protected by a shell

It's the trials in life

that test our tenacity

and truly asses

our heart's capacity

Patience is a virtue

or so I've heard

Control an illusion

with a bit of poise inferred 

The true test comes

with living life on life's terms 

To dig in the dirt

without disturbing the worms

I can say I love you

as if it were my identity

But I won't actually mean it

If I loose my serenity

Transfusion

The space was so dark

I could barely see my feet

I shuffled slowly towards the bed,

as my heart increased its beat.

His hand reached out for mine,

but instead he found my waist.

He pulled me toward him...

Discretion, momentarily misplaced.

I felt his lips, searching for mine

as the darkness began to subside.

I laid my hand against his cheek

and our faces began to collide.

That was when I saw him,

with eyes as red as blood.

The panic began to wash over me,

like a dangerous flash flood.

With a survival reflex,

I turned my head away...

But just like hunters do,

he had already caught his prey.

As my eyes began to close,

he whispered in my ear...

"I promise this won't hurt a bit,

if you stay calm, my dear..."

I was paralyzed by fear

and my undying love for this beast.

So I gave in to temptation,

to be consumed by the deceased.

Much like a tetanus shot,

the bite stung at first,

but after a few seconds...

I conceded to his thirst.

With each ounce of blood

that he drained out of me...

My desire for him grew

and his love was all I could see.

He wanted every part of me,

to be a part of him...

So he drank up all my blood

and tore me limb, from limb.

Sometime during all of this,

I came to the conclusion...

that our love could conquer anything,

except a blood transfusion.

Photo Credit: 3rdEye0pen * Effects Credit: Eric Glaefke

 

Growth in love...

I've been through ups and downs 

and everything in between.

Scarred and damaged, 

by all the crazy shit I've seen. 

But I held on to hope 

and the possibility of salvation.

Managed to thrive and survive 

the emotional starvation.

 

All the strife made me strong 

and clearly able to see.

So I swept away and unloaded

all the things that were harmful to me. 

When nothing but rubble is left, 

there's so much room to rebuild.

To find the other heart that might 

leave my soul fulfilled.

That was when I really saw you, 

close to me as you were.

But I observed you thru different eyes, 

ones that were secure. 

I could see that you were humble 

and very eager to learn...

how to melt my damaged heart, 

like a blazing cigarette burn. 

I had to let it happen, 

because what else could I do?

Somehow I already knew, 

that I was falling in love with you.

But our love couldn't stop 

the mistakes from taking place.

So we had to be prepared... 

for hardship... just in case.

We loaded up our arsenal, 

with patience and restraint.

So when we felt like attacking, 

there was plenty of constraint.

The alternative to fighting, 

was a simple, loving pause.

So then we had each other 

and all our numerous flaws.

In that quiet space of reflection, 

I learned something about you...

I saw how much I meant to you, 

because of what you were willing to do. 

That is where growth happens, 

on the other side of strife.

Where we learn how to roll together, 

with the kicks and punches of life.

Jar of Marbles

Some days life feels impossible

need a reminder of how many times

the Universe has supported me

on my treacherous, uphill climbs

All around me is abundance 

if I choose to see things that way

but pessimism is a demon 

that I battle every day

So when I feel some excitement

or see a shooting star

I know those are both reasons

to put a marble in my jar

When I feel particularly moved

watching my friend play guitar

or I find a few quiet moments

alone in my car

I focus on the positives

by putting a marble in my jar

then I can see all the great things

that have happened to me, so far

All the situations that occur

and the people that I meet

are part of my existence

making isolation obsolete

Each day I find a reason

for gratitude and reflection

trudging through these experiences

looking for some kind of connection

My sacred jar of marbles

Sits there on the shelf

overflowing with positive experiences

that I created for myself

Every time I see it

I'm reminded just how far

my spirit's energy will reach

each time a marble hits that jar

"Jar of Marbles" by 3rdEye0pen * Graphite on paper, 2012

 

Deficient

Hanging on for dear life

trying to figure all this out

looking for signs of compassion

or benefit of doubt

What I find is a sad excuse

for something I've needed since birth

No unconditional love

to feed my self worth

I go to this garden

and find nothing but dirt

so I come back tomorrow

and sow nothing but hurt

It's been so many years

yet the struggle's the same

now that he's gone

I'll take all the blame

Never good enough for you

so my spirit you quell

Content to be your disappointment

it's a roll that I play well

Each time it happens

it catches me by surprise

I let it hurt me all over again

til another part of me dies

122

Observant and thoughtful, right from the start

With a bundle of barbed wire, wrapped around my heart

I could have refrained, from engaging with you

but it didn't really feel like the right thing to do

One hundred and twenty-two days...

you like your ham and turkey sub, with light mayonnaise

That's one of the first things I remembered about you

that, and the significance of your one tattoo

I admit I was intrigued, though I fought it at first

But your charismatic ways had me easily coerced 

The whole thing, unplanned and unrehearsed

But a chance for us both, to quench a creeping thirst

Sixteen weeks

and a couple of freaks

Who weren't sure this would make it off the ground

Everyday, amazed, by what we've found

It's surprising what your kiss will incite

counting down the hours, until we reunite

The fire burns hot within us both

a passion with immeasurable growth 

Just a trimester of time, in a calendar year,

has made our sight a little more clear

Now we see that true love can be born, 

where other things were so terribly forlorn

Trying something new and "Nurse Necrophilia"

When you're a writer, dating the lead singer of a horror punk band, the subject of song writing comes up quite a bit. Often times, we "accidentally" come up with scenarios or subjects that would make great horror punk songs, but the songs themselves never seem to get written. We forget to write our concepts down, or time gets away from us and the creative process doesn't get past the brainstorming stage. It's really quite unfortunate, because we've come up with some pretty sick ideas!

I've personally never written a punk song before, let a lone a horror punk song, but Ryan has done it successfully, several times. I'm inspired by his talent and intrigued by the style and subject matter of his writing. He is able to take seemingly abstract ideas or characters... (alien domination, the undead, etc.) and turn them into the kind of poetry that has a flow and cadence that can't help but become music.

I consider horror writing in general, to be a bit outside the box for me. I tend to stick with emotion-based poetry that reflects my mood, or the feelings surrounding certain events in my life. While this type of writing is most natural for me, I realize that if I want to experience something different, I have to venture outside of my comfort zone a bit. I've been looking around me for influences that challenge my creative abilities and force me to try new ideas and approaches to writing.

Tonight he and I had another one of our accidental brainstorming sessions. As we laughed about my attempts to kiss a deliriously sleepy Ryan, I compared the act to making out with someone in a coma...and that is how my first horror punk song was born.

Please be gentle in your critique, as I realize that I don't have any business claiming to write horror punk, or the like. Enjoy!

Oh and... PARENTAL ADVISORY: EXPLICIT CONTENT :)


***
  
Nurse Necrophilia

Have you met this naughty nurse of mine
she takes care of me so well
Checks my vitals every day
I recognize her smell

Yesterday she kissed me
on my almost lifeless lips
climbed up on top of me
wrapped her legs around my hips


(Chorus)

Image courtesy of Little Punk People

This nurse, she wants to f*ck me
but I'm really almost dead
hooked up to machines
trapped in this hospital bed


Every day, death draws nearer
I can feel it in my soul
the machines don't seem to be working
and my nurse lacks self control

Today I felt her touch me
in a place I thought was dead
So still and in a deep sleep
while she gave me coma-head


(Chorus)
This nurse, she wants to f*ck me
but I'm really almost dead
hooked up to machines
trapped in this hospital bed


Sometime late last night
I took just one last breath
Said goodbye to the living
and embraced my final death

As my soul rose above me
I saw my nurse prepare for sin
She was climbing onto my body
as the rigor mortis was setting in

This nurse, she's gonna f*ck me
and there's nothing I can do
because I died two hours ago
and I'm never cumming too

Heartstrings

She slips in quietly and brings you to your knees
This insatiable hunger, that only she can ease
The pull is strong and you don't fight it anymore
You never expected this chance to explore

What will you find, if you look close enough?
A hard edge, from years of acting so tough
Probably a soft spot, somewhere deep inside
Behind the decorations, where the naked things hide

But you see she is strong, with out a doubt
Because life has weathered her, through hurricane and drought
Yet here she is, as content as a butterfly
in an overgrown garden, with flowers gone awry

Maybe she sees in you, the balance she needs
A reason to continue to pick through the weeds
There's just something so comfortable between you two
and without speaking a word, you both kind of knew

These things have a way, of sticking around
The awareness is there, even if method can't be found
Because now you're tied together, by your heartstrings
and she feels your soul, every time your heart sings

Heal or be free with me

I can feel it turning me inside out,

this force that can't be tamed.

Stealing every breath you take...

making my heart inflamed.

Fear wells up deep inside me

and I try to hide it from you.

But my increasing dread is loud,

like a deep hum, through a kazoo.

How much time will you have,

to bask in this sun?

How much bliss will we know,

before the easy part is done?

Because reality is hard

and we both know it well.

These vehicles are fragile,

like a delicate egg shell.

I stay just close enough

to feel like I'm of some aid.

But really I'm no healer,

so I end up just afraid.

Afraid of what could happen,

to someone that I love...

All those dreadful things,

that I prefer not to think of.

Feeling caught up in fear

is a horrible way to be,

so I release you to the Universe

and hope you stay right here with me.

Chronophobia

Some think time will last forever

their connections in life, never to sever.

But you and I, we know better than that

and the Universe will choose to take us back

Why then, are we so hesitant to live

so very careful about how much we give

What are we afraid of, that hasn't already begun

is it prudent, to think we can run

I've seen life vanish in the blink of an eye

so it isn't hard for me to understand why

when something so meaningful shows its face

I let it take me to a higher place

Love is this thing, so abundant and free

but I hold on tight when it comes to me

For life can be gone, just as quick as it started

no more time to say 'I love you', to the dearly departed

Image by Ryan McGinley

Follow through...

The world won't stay standing still

Image Credit - Jenny Morgan

in this brief euphoric day dream.
The cycle continues to flow
as I watch the changing color scheme.

Just let me know when to worry
right before it gets too late.
Because every bit I loose of you
seals our already compromised fate.

What is a love worth
if it never sees the light?
Like a boxed up collection  
tucked away, out of sight.

You can lie to me
and make me think it's true.
You can lie to yourself too
just as long as you follow through.

Because what's not said is suicide
for the promises in your heart.
And what's not acknowledged is murder
when two souls are forced to
part.

Malevolent Desire

Elegant curves and devilish charm, 

a dark maiden on your arm.

Whispering a curse into your ear, 

as your inhibitions disappear.

Hair black as night and lips so red, 

she's already gotten into your head.

Her allure is one that could kill 

and she'd do it all for the thrill.

Do not look her in the eye,

until you're ready to say goodbye.

This beauty has you under her spell...

in love with this evil mademoiselle.

Go ahead, let her into your heart,

where she very slowly tears you apart.

Limb by limb, she rips you to bits,

but you can't stop staring at her tits.

A bite to your neck is all it takes...

first a sting, then you get the shakes.

Blood starts dripping down your spine

and she drinks it all, like a fine wine.

She can't stop with just a taste,

so she drags her tongue down to your waist.

Another bite is what she wants,

but can you endure her endless haunts?

Her teeth dig deep into your skin...

on her face, a sinister grin. 

She's slowly eating you alive,

and all you can do is hope to survive.

She owns your soul, you helpless sot

and now your blood begins to clot.

She's not ready to end you yet...

she has to light a cigarette.

The evil woman takes a drag,

then pulls out something from her bag.

It's the thing she will use to end your life...

Her trusty little butcher knife.

Before you can question all this,

she bends over and plants her kiss.

As your lips begin to part,

she plunges the knife into your heart.

Room to Bloom

Was headed someplace,
not sure where.
Really no time
to prepare...

Now I'm taking 
this quite slow,
because I have 
a ways to go...

Each step I take,
leads me to the next
then I take that step,
and feel the effects.

You don't get it
and that's okay,
because it's not for you
anyway...

This journey is mine,
to walk alone.
A transformtion
I can't postpone.

You can be near me,
while I do my thing.
I like the lessons
that you bring.

You're like a mirror,
reflecting back to me...
All of those things
I'm too stubborn to see.

When the light shines
and I see my flaws,
I know we're both human
and it makes me pause...

For life is so short,
like the magnolia bloom
and I can't crowd my spirit
I must leave room...

The Passage of Time

No way to escape the passing of time,

when blissful moments, give way to the climb.

Always reaching back for the way things were,

but finding the opposite of what we prefer.

Can we just hold on and keep things like this?

keep loosing ourselves in this summer of bliss...

But time will go on, whether we want it to or not,
Thwarting our efforts to change up the plot.

So afraid that this bliss will not last,
and our patterns will come in and repeat the past.
What can we do to save our sick souls,
before it's too late to patch up the holes?

In some ways the stage is already set
and the passage of time, our biggest threat.
If we can't escape fate, then we might as well try,
to enjoy the time as it inevitably goes by.

So apropos...

What would you say,

if I told you everything...

from the very first day?

Spilled my guts for you,

in that special way?

What would you do,

if it all became clear...

that I'm not like you.

Would you give me credit for,

making it through?

What would you say?

What would you do?

If you really knew,

What I could do...

For you

What would you see,

if you opened your eyes...

and gazed down at me?

Are you afraid to know about,

those things I can't be?

What would you know

if you jumped right in...

and went with the flow?

Could you make sense of this

and give up the status quo?

What would you see?

What would you know?

If things began to grow,

and it was so apropos...

Not to let go

Photo courtesy of Milwaukee Noir

How I'm supposed to heal...

When I finally walked thru that door,
I didn't expect to see you there...
right in front of me
feet firmly planted on the floor.

You have a way of sneaking in,
where no one cares to go...
sensing all those fucked up things,
that even I don't really know.

You bring with you these lessons,
that are so obviously mine...
with each single day that passes,
I'm learning how this all aligns.

I never saw it coming,
and that's the honest truth...
like a tidal wave of growth,
washing over my hopeless youth.

Now I'm seeing clearer,
just how I'm supposed to feel...
but I've never done what I'm supposed to,
when it comes to how I heal.

La Luna

An echoing record spins the tune
of another ardent cycle 
under the waxing moon

The tide breaks against your ship's bow
Deeper than the ocean
but you can't swim any how

Her storm may come in time
to shake you from your mountain
if you care to make the climb 

It's gonna get lonely up on that throne
when all is quiet again
and her sand turns to stone

Take heed and get out of your own way
there's still time
before tomorrow becomes today

An Unexpected Tarot Reading

After a somewhat lengthy hiatus from my tarot deck, I decided to slow down and pull a card today. After retrieving the deck from underneath all the bits of everyday life that crowd my bedroom dresser, I blew the dust off of the last card that I had pulled and I slipped it back into the deck.

The deck felt light in my hands today... like it would fly from my grip, if I didn't hold onto it deliberately. With the thought of a wayward deck forefront in my mind,I began to shuffle the cards, handling them with care. I caressed the edges with the pads of my fingertips, as I disorganized the current order of the deck. I tried to focus my thoughts on a particular subject for which I was seeking guidance, but  a wave of everything suddenly flooded my consciousness, preventing me from any particular focus. In that exact moment, as I was beginning to fan the cards to make my choice, three cards decided to pick me... all cascading from the deck, onto the floor, at the exact same time. They all fell together, face down. When I picked them up, I turned them over in this order...

Two of Swords

The Chariot

Seven of Pentacles

There are a number of different ways to do a 3-card tarot reading, but the first inclination I had, as I laid the cards on the table in front of me was - past / present / future - so that is how I chose to read my cards today.


My Past... Two of Swords

The Two of Swords represents blocking emotions, avoiding the truth and being afraid to act.  When I study the face of the card, I see a young woman who has put a barrier of swords across her heart. Her unyielding posture tells of her struggle to keep her intense feelings under control. She is fending off any approach from the outside world. She has built a wall of protection around her heart, cutting herself off.

When I think of how I've cut myself off emotionally, I'm reminded of the many situations where I've allowed resentments to sever the connections that would have otherwise allowed my love to flow outward. These resentments held me prisoner in my own heart, for many years... afraid to make a move in any direction, whether to seek reconciliation or to abandon ship. Because of my fears, I felt very stuck, unable to move or to do anything other than hide behind my swords.




My Present... The Chariot
 

The Chariot represents using one's will, achieving victory, asserting one's self and mastering discipline. When I study the face of this card, I see what appears to be a powerful man, possibly a king, or Julius Caesar. He stands victorious above his obstacles, achieving all that is possible through willpower and self-mastery.

The last 18 months of my life have truly been victorious for me, in terms of the battles I've fought and the obstacles I've overcome, within myself and my situation. When I think of how stuck I used to be, unable to move in any direction, crippled by fear and control and then I compare it to what life is like for me today... I can't help but feel victorious. I feel such a sense of pride in my own little successes. I'm truly able to see my own progress, every single day. Some days my progress is small and almost invisible, even to me, but when I look back at the road that I've traveled, I truly see how far my determination and self confidence has brought me.



My Future...  Seven of Pentacles

The Seven of Pentacles represents evaluation of what's been done, reaping a reward and opening to a new strategy. When I study the face of this card, I see a man who has worked long and hard tending his garden. The garden is abundant. The foliage is full and it seems that his hard work has paid off. He appears to be taking a break to admire his work. He's satisfied to see the beautiful results and desires to reap the rewards of his own efforts.

When I'm busy, I don't always have time to reflect on what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. The Seven of Pentacles calls me to pause and reflect on my life and take inventory. Are there possible alternatives to the way I'm doing things, that might better serve me in the future? Do I need to change the path I'm on, or is it simply time for me to bask in the fruits of my labor? I'm reminded to consider what my goals are for the future and how I can continue to reach for those goals, without being derailed.


What began as a simple drawing of a single card, for a sort of daily message, turned into something a bit more. I believe these three cards picked me today, for a reason. I have many lessons to learn in this life and seeking guidance through the help of the tarot, gives me some creative focus and direction for my spiritual energy. From this reading I have gained a clear sense of just how far I've come to date and how far I have yet to go. But I think the most important message for me today is to stay in the present moment. I need to use my past as a map for where I've been and use the present to help me navigate my way into the future... one day at a time, one moment at a time.


"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory."  - Dr. Seuss

Shhh...

Submerged in something so sweet

Carried by a wind that sweeps you off your feet

Finding freedom in the release

While the heart finds little bits of peace

But you can't speak a word, keep your mouth shut

Throw it away like a cigarette butt

They won't understand any of this

they won't appreciate your new found bliss

Carry it around in your secret place

and they won't see the contentment on your face

Because they don't want you to find joy

in that thing they used to destroy

You always lead, never follow,

but suddenly this is too much to swallow

Happiness often comes with a price,

and you've already made your choice.

Shhh...