But this year is different. I just recently came to the realization that I'm no longer focused on the horrible thing that happened to me in October 2011. Instead I'm focused on the miracle that has been born from my brother's death. Most of us want to believe in miracles and we see them as something that only happens through the living, but I truly believe there was a miracle in my brother's passing.
My brother's death shook me so hard that it forced me to get butt-naked honest with myself. I had to take a sincerely honest look at my life, because I had no idea who I truly was. I wasn't happy or feeling fulfilled and things needed to change. My own mortality was realized, the day I lost the closest peer I've ever known. If Nick's life could be cut short, so could mine. Anyone who knew my brother, knew that he was a huge fan of having a good time. While he was alive, Nick lived... I needed to start doing the same.
A million things have happened in the last four years, since my brother died. I've also made a million choices that were governed by my new outlook on living life while I'm alive. I've made really hard choices that I never thought I could make. I've done things that I only dreamed of doing. I've gotten so vulnerable and grown so much... and I can trace it all back to loosing my brother and gaining an attitude of urgency and living for today, that only his death could give me.
The miracle wasn't that my brother beat addiction and went on to live happy, joyous and free. Unfortunately, he didn't get that opportunity. The miracle is that his death was a catalyst for me to change my own life... in turn changing the lives of everyone I touch. Even though Nick isn't here with me in the physical world, he still touches every part of my journey. His vivacious spirit is sprinkled over everything I do.
Today, when I think back to that horrendous day in 2011, I know it was the first day of my new life. I refuse to let a tragedy as big as Nick's death, not stand for something great. My life today is richer than it's ever been, despite missing Nick. I spend my days being grateful for the abundance that has come my way... a wonderful daughter, great friends, a partner that accepts all of me, a loving family and a life full of opportunities to be my true self. These things may not seem like much to some, but they are everything to me... because I had to work extremely hard for each and every one of them.
I had to change a lot, in order to be happy. Now I understand what it means when they say, "Happiness is a choice." It certainly is. Every single day I have to find the humility, honesty and tenacity to fight for my own happiness. I have to take the high road with those that want to bring me down. I have to look at my part in everything and get honest with myself about where I need to make improvements. I have to see past the end of my own nose, in order to be kind, loving and of service to those that need me. It isn't easy, but it's certainly worth it.
This October, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the path that I've been shown, following tragedy. I'm thankful for all of the opportunities that the Universe has given me to grow into my true self. I'm not focused on what was taken from me, four years ago today, but what I've gained in that time.
I miss my brother more with each passing day, but I'm comforted by the fact that he's guiding me in a way that no one else can. Today I celebrate the positive attributes of change.
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| In Loving Memory of Nick Schemenauer 1983 - 2011 |
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