Why is it so important for me to have something? Something I can hold and say it's mine... or something that can hold me. Hold me and keep me safe, because I don't think I can do it myself. I think I can do it for you, but I'm wrong. All I have are my own delusional thoughts and the strategy in which I let those thoughts consume me. Sometimes it's slow and creeping, other times it hits me like a wave, knocking me into the rocks.
***
As I look into the vastness of my heart I see strength, even though it's clouded by my delusions. I know it's there, because I feel it whip through me like a brisk wind. As soon as I'm ready to fall, the wind picks me up and carries me to the next solid point... if even for a very brief time. I'm found. Found in my own strength.
It was in a moment like that, after a wind had carried me a distance I couldn't measure, that I found you. Alone on the ice... cracks in every direction. You were scared and honestly, so was I. I tried to reach for you, but the openness was too vast. You had to crawl to me. Every breath I took seemed to slow time, more so than your delicate crawl.
Oh, what a tortured soul you are. You've suffered through the inconsistency of reality and dreams. Never knowing what to believe, or what to expect. No rest and no reassurance. But now you are saved, if only you can crawl to me.
The hard, slick ice is unsteady beneath me. When will it break? When will you fall and I loose you forever? We've only just found each other. Don't go now. In my impatience I try to get closer to you and to force myself further onto the capricious ice... and that's when it happens. Like a flash of lightning the ice cracks into a million jagged pathways, exposing the frigid water beneath.
I feel the weight of reality pull me into the water, as I watch your face contort in horror. At that moment, everything goes black... and the wind begins to blow.
***
When I woke up, I was in your arms and somehow, you were in mine. The ice was gone and instead we were wrapped in a cocoon of warmth. I felt the wind, gently blowing against my cheek, as I watched it swirl through your hair. I closed my eyes once more and when I opened them again, you were gone. The wind was blowing harder this time and I was ready for it to carry me.
