She ran out the front door and down the few stairs, before she even knew she was moving. Tears swelled in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. The cold, late winter air slapped her and froze the tears, like icy little paths of sorrow. Her feet carried her some distance, before she stopped to rest and wipe her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket. She slumped over, bracing herself against the post of a street light, that cast her long shadow across the sidewalk. Her hair blew about her in strings, sticking to her moist face. She tried to vomit, but there was nothing inside for her to release. All she could do was breathe... in through her nose and out her through her mouth. Slowly and methodically, she calmed her heaving chest and stood upright again. The tears had stopped flowing and her eyes burned under the bright light.
For the first time since bursting out of his front door, she was aware
of her own body and movements. Her sneakers touched the pavement with
purpose as she pushed herself onward, towards an alleyway a short distance from where she stopped to rest. The alley was
dimly lit and looked like the perfect place for her to disappear. All
she wanted to do was disappear... to be erased from this moment. The
refuge of the quiet, narrow passage would have to do. She turned the corner
and melted into the darkness, walking slowly and deliberately.
Eventually emerging from the alley and onto a busy block, she looked around through squinted lids. She was in her city, but it showed itself differently now. Darker... like the opposite of how things looked when she was newly in love. The city had become a sinister foe, reminding her of everything she had lost. Had she really lost anything, or simply given it away for a chance at another life? Whatever the case, her journey must start anew... right there, on that bustling city street. The cars that passed, rattled her pounding head. The sound reminded her of the train. She always loved the train and how it traveled on the tracks, with rhythm and purpose, not straying, always moving forward. She headed for the tracks to further clear her mind.
As she neared the tracks, she could hear the distant hum of a train approaching. She found a spot where she could comfortably lean and take some stress off of her already aching body. Calmly she waited, focused only on the cloud of frozen breath that left her nose. Her mind was as numb as the tips of her fingers, fumbling around with the contents inside her jacket pockets.
After what felt like a few minutes, or maybe more, the train came, as reliably as ever. It ponderously floated along the bridge that covered the road she had just came from. The high pitched whine of metal on metal, as the train passed her, was music to her ears. Her breathing matched the heaving of each weighty train car, as it traveled along the tracks. She closed her eyes for a moment and melted into the rhythm of the train. She could feel the deepness of its massive presence, in her chest. There was something about trains that soothed her. She felt so lost in the cadence of the train that she would have lost her footing and fell to the ground, had she not opened her eyes.
This train was long and tranquilizing, with plenty of visual interest. Each car that passed her had a bomb on it... just for her. In that moment she felt like the only person on earth to ever gaze upon the graffiti and really see it. See each line, each drip, each fade, like it was put there just for her to enjoy... to help her forget her confusion, if only briefly.
Like all good things for her, the train came to an end and she watched the blinking red light until it faded beyond the buildings in the distance. Suddenly her resting place felt cold and uncomfortable and she was ready to move on. But to where? The train had calmed her enough that sleep felt like a viable option. She knew she should go home, so she began to head in that direction. Walking now felt cumbersome as her feet were slowly hardening to ice inside her shoes.
As she walked the memories tried creeping back into her mind, but she pushed them out and pushed on. The over pass was her next place of refuge. She walked beneath the roadway and let the hum of the vehicles passing above her, soothe her once more. She felt much like an infant, in need of a white noise, to drown out the discord inside her heart. Although her view of the city had become compromised, once again this place would abet her.
As she rounded the last corner, she saw her building and gazed upon her window, where the light was still on. She must have forgotten to turn it off before she left. The way the light was so contained inside her space, it was as if she was on the outside of freedom. She so desperately wanted to follow the light... to be the light. Shining inside of whatever container she happened to be put in. In that moment, before she climbed the stairs home, she remembered her walk and from where she had come.
She decided she was adequate and that the city had told her so... again.
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