Last night I watched/listened to a Ted Talk by Brene Brown, called
"The power of vulnerability" and it really struck a chord with me. This entire blog is built on the power of vulnerability and the growth that I seek, as a result of allowing myself to be vulnerable.
It wasn't until very recently that I began sharing what I write here, with a group of others numbering more than 3 or 4. I was afraid to be vulnerable. What I've been lead to believe for a long time is that vulnerability equals weakness. If I bare myself to people who will be critical of me, I open myself up to hurt. I always saw hurt as a negative thing; something to avoid at all costs. After all, that's human nature... to survive, enduring as little pain as possible.
It wasn't until my own personal shift in consciousness, that lead me down a path of acceptance and self improvement, that I began to slowly embrace my vulnerability. I began to see that the things that make me vulnerable, also make me beautiful. My flaws, imperfections and defects are hard to accept at times, but they make me just as unique as the qualities about myself that I deem positive and worthy. I also began to recognize that what I found most attractive in others was
often their ability to be vulnerable. The more vulnerable I see a person
become, the more I want to love them.
Sometimes it's hard to accept the fact that when I'm experiencing pain, I'm actually growing. I'm my own worst critic, especially when it comes to matters of the heart... and let's face it. With me, everything is a matter of the heart. It's where life generates for me. Most of what I do, I do because it comes from, speaks to, or helps to heal my heart. Chances are, if you're part of my life, you have a place in my heart.
This way of life is extremely vulnerable and until recently, I wouldn't even admit to you that I was so emotionally driven. Again, with the concept that vulnerability = weakness, the last thing I want you to think is that I'm weak. It's a vicious cycle, if you haven't already picked up on that. To break this cycle, I began to - as Brene Brown describes it - surrender and walk into my vulnerability. I really began to see the beauty in it, just like I see the beauty in others who can be vulnerable.
For me, leaning into this feeling of susceptibility is a sort of freedom. It's freedom from the bondage of my past, freedom from adapting myself to others' ideas of what I should be and freedom to be who I really am, at my core - that person that's so deep inside that the only time she comes out, is when there's no one around to judge her. I'm proud to say that that me, that vulnerable me, has seen the light of day more in the last few months, than ever before.
When I pour what's in my heart, onto this very screen, I'm inviting each and every one of you to look inside my heart. Your interpretation of what you see is as unique as you are. That is such a beautiful thing for me to be a part of. It's a way for me to express myself and possibly touch something in you that I know nothing about. The way I form words, to express the things I feel, is open to interpretation and exploration.
The thought that others could be interpreting and exploring my words in a way that could be detrimental to my feelings, was what used to keep me from sharing my work. Now I see that this is beautiful and it doesn't so much matter how you interpret them, but that you interpret them at all - that you take the time to read something that I created and let it touch you in some kind of way. This is connection. It's all a part of my spiritual reach and I can't have a very long reach, if I don't step out into the light and bare myself for you to see.
Sometimes my ego gets in my way and tells me that what I write here is too personal. The feelings I write about are often tied to people that could very well be reading what I write. My ego thinks this is dangerous and in order to stay safe, I must protect my feelings and keep them locked up until someone who has deemed them self worthy, is able to present me with the key that unlocks what's inside my heart. To my ego I say... fuck off! I hold the key to the safe that houses my deepest emotional substance. I can choose to be vulnerable and open myself up to rumors, judgements and criticism. In doing so, I erase the fear of shame and embrace connection.
To quote Brene Brown again...
"Connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about."
This is absolutely my truth. Although I've spent a good part of my life fearing connection with others because I never felt like enough, I've always thrived on those connections that overcame my shame-based thinking. When I get spiritual and tap into my vulnerability, I see all of the ways that I'm connected.
I'm connected to the mom that feels like nothing she does can help her child get through these difficult times. I'm connected to the alcoholic that is trying to bury his deep pain in the bottom of a bottle of whiskey. I'm connected to the overweight woman who just wants to be accepted and feel beautiful, exactly the way she is. I'm connected to the musician that pours his heart out in the music he writes, only to have people talk over and ignore him while he plays his song. I'm connected to the outcast who never belonged anywhere and still really doesn't. I'm connected to the perfectionist who appears to have it all together, but cries herself to sleep every night because she feels so empty. I'm connected to the procrastinator who just can't find the courage or the gumption to do what he's always wanted and needed to do. I'm connected to the liar who fabricates so many aspects of their life, because the truth just doesn't feel like enough. We're all connected and the more I accept that and embrace it, the more beautiful everything becomes. We're all cliches of some kind, built by a society that we are inadvertent products of. We're all imperfect in our own special way. But we are enough.
I am enough.
Although it can be excruciatingly painful to be deeply seen, that is my goal here. I want to really learn how to love with my whole heart, in all aspects of life. I want to live while I'm here and experience all that life has to offer me... both the joyous and the painful. For how could I appreciate true joy, without having known and experienced deep pain? It's all part of the balance that comes to my life when I surrender to my vulnerability and overcome my shame.
Thanks for connecting, being vulnerable and taking this journey with me.
What you provoke in me
For the first time since bursting out of his front door, she was aware
of her own body and movements. Her sneakers touched the pavement with
purpose as she pushed herself onward, towards an alleyway a short distance from where she stopped to rest. The alley was
dimly lit and looked like the perfect place for her to disappear. All
she wanted to do was disappear... to be erased from this moment. The
refuge of the quiet, narrow passage would have to do. She turned the corner
and melted into the darkness, walking slowly and deliberately.
As she rounded the last corner, she saw her building and gazed upon her window, where the light was still on. She must have forgotten to turn it off before she left. The way the light was so contained inside her space, it was as if she was on the outside of freedom. She so desperately wanted to follow the light... to be the light. Shining inside of whatever container she happened to be put in. In that moment, before she climbed the stairs home, she remembered her walk and from where she had come.
You don't love me