In my hotel bed

I was laying in this hotel bed, 

with a swirl of recollections 

from the past 24 hours, 

buzzing in my head.

I started to drift away,

towards that all-important sleep,

I stayed there for a short time 

until a nightmare came my way.

It's the first bad dream I've had in bed

in quite a long while. 

A song played and a feeling came,

that ended with a gun against my head.

I woke up scared and lonely 

afraid to sleep again.

I thought of you then,

in that moment of fear... oh, if only. 

Crushed

The object of your desire,

an all consuming obsession.

That fuel that burns the fire,

to keep you in transgression.

Maybe it's an addiction,

something you can't control.

An endless soul affliction,

that will somehow make you whole.

What is it that you're yearning for,

what is it that you need?

Never really sure how much more,

your broken heart can bleed.

Everything you earnestly seek,

is all inside of you.

No one else can make you weak,

unless you give them power to.

Your painful craving is not love,

although it feels so close.

Sometimes fits just like a glove,

filled with your presuppose.

You must seek something higher,

than anything on earth.

A force that will acquire

your forfeited self worth.

Easier said than done,

but not completely absurd.

This journey has just began,

but already the lines are blurred.

Photo Courtesy of Milwaukee Noir

From the Archieves Pt. 1 - Dedicated to Christina and Eddie

I decided it was time to blow the dust off some of my old pieces and shine the light on them again.

The pieces that I was particularly drawn to today, where pieces I wrote while pregnant with my daughter and shortly after her birth. They feel especially relevant as we begin the month of March and I reflect on my state of being, some 8 years ago... as I entered my 9th month of pregnancy. 

As I look back on that time, I find I have little memory of my day-to-day feelings and state of being. These pieces bring so much of that back, however. The experience of sharing my body with another human being is something that words can barely describe, but somehow I managed to convey it well enough, that 8 years later, I feel as though I'm right back there again.

The timing of this discovery is also so appropriate and relevant, as one of my dearest and closest friends is currently expecting her first child. A son. The happiness I feel for her and her husband can only be measured in how much I share in their joy and what little bit of my own experience, I can share with them.

So these entries are dedicated to Christina, Eddie and Baby Dahlberg...

***

You Are There - January 2007

You are doing these little things

To let me know that you are there.

When I am rested

Just me and my thoughts, alone at last...

There you go.

You knock on my soul,

Let me know you are there.

They say by now you can hear my voice

And your father's too.

Do you know us yet?

I think you know me.

You are always letting me know when you are there.

When I think that all is lost

And I start to lose myself...

There you go again.

Bouncing and kicking to let me know,

That you are still there.

You may just be living,

But for me,

To know you are there,

Is a comfort I appreciate.

It's me and you now...

And that's not too bad.

Something tells me it's always going to be 

Me and you.

Even if we've got the rest of the world

On our heels.

***

When I Look at You - April 2007

When I look at you
I see little bits of me
I see all that I was
And all you will be

When I look at you
I see parts of him too
Across lashes and brow
To the strength in you

When I look at you
I see love like never before
What I've missed my whole life
How I've wanted nothing more

When I look at you
I know deep in my heart
That you love me too
And that's where I must start

When I look at you
Sometimes I just cry
Because I did something so good
And I didn't even try

***

It amazes me, how completely relevant these words still are today. I could have written most of this just yesterday, or the day before. Although my daughter is almost 8-years-old, she's still very much, my baby. It's the kind of love that never waivers.

This All Makes So Much Sense

I thought I let the idea go, 

but there was never any resolution. 

The possibility of you, 

stayed with me. 

It clung to me always, 

Photo Courtesy of Milwaukee Noir

somewhere in the depths of my mind... 

or maybe in my heart. 

That seems to be a better place 

for you to reside. 

My mind often makes a mess of this. 

There are too many possibilities 

and then I can't see myself straight. 

If I let you out to help 

and to talk to my mind, 

you'll just make sense 

of all of this for me, 

won't you? 

You seem to be able to do that... 

to make sense. 

But I don't need you to help me. 

I can make it on my own. 

I need to take this journey alone, 

yet you're there, trying

trying to get into my heart. 

And here I go again...

knocking at the door, 

asking you to get out. 

Or at least that's what 

I think I am doing,

but my brain can't be trusted,

to see things as they are.

And the truth is... 

I want you to come inside and stay 

for a while. 

I miss you.

Do you miss me?

How could you?

I haven't even left yet.

I've always been there,

on the outside of my own heart,

while you've been inside...

getting comfortable.

Say Goodbye...

The last time I called you,
What was it you said?
I'm not in a very talkative mood,
Then you retreated,
Back into your head.

A couple weeks passed,
Or maybe just ten days
Until I got the call,
That changed my life
In so many ways

I raced to your house,
In hopes to find you well
Through sobs and tears
I prayed to a God,
That I'd all but damned to hell 

When I arrived,
They told me you were gone
The shock was too real that
My knees couldn't hold me
And  I fell to the lawn

I was the only one
Who watched them take you away
My brother, my best friend
Gone for now
Until we meet some other way

Photo courtesy of Milwaukee Noir

A Crack in the Ice

Why is it so important for me to have something? Something I can hold and say it's mine... or something that can hold me. Hold me and keep me safe, because I don't think I can do it myself. I think I can do it for you, but I'm wrong. All I have are my own delusional thoughts and the strategy in which I let those thoughts consume me. Sometimes it's slow and creeping, other times it hits me like a wave, knocking me into the rocks.

  

***

As I look into the vastness of my heart I see strength, even though it's clouded by my delusions. I know it's there, because I feel it whip through me like a brisk wind. As soon as I'm ready to fall, the wind picks me up and carries me to the next solid point... if even for a very brief time. I'm found. Found in my own strength. 

It was in a moment like that, after a wind had carried me a distance I couldn't measure, that I found you. Alone on the ice... cracks in every direction. You were scared and honestly, so was I. I tried to reach for you, but the openness was too vast. You had to crawl to me. Every breath I took seemed to slow time, more so than your delicate crawl. 

Oh, what a tortured soul you are. You've suffered through the inconsistency of reality and dreams. Never knowing what to believe, or what to expect. No rest and no reassurance. But now you are saved, if only you can crawl to me. 

The hard, slick ice is unsteady beneath me. When will it break? When will you fall and I loose you forever? We've only just found each other. Don't go now. In my impatience I try to get closer to you and to force myself further onto the capricious ice... and that's when it happens. Like a flash of lightning the ice cracks into a million jagged pathways, exposing the frigid water beneath. 

I feel the weight of reality pull me into the water, as I watch your face contort in horror. At that moment, everything goes black... and the wind begins to blow. 

***

When I woke up, I was in your arms and somehow, you were in mine. The ice was gone and instead we were wrapped in a cocoon of warmth. I felt the wind, gently blowing against my cheek, as I watched it swirl through your hair. I closed my eyes once more and when I opened them again, you were gone. The wind was blowing harder this time and I was ready for it to carry me.

Photo courtesy of Milwaukee Noir

A walk inside my mind, through someone else's eye.

Lonely, 
but never really alone.
Everyday keeps me 
a little closer to home

When I walk, 
I am forever seeking
a gentle voice of hope
But all I hear is my own demons speaking

Photo Courtesy of Milwaukee Noir

There's these things,
that I make up in my head
They keep me from feeling 
like I'm better-off-dead

But I never,
really feel the full ache
I won't let it get that far
I'll simply bend before I break

Whatever will keep me,
from feeling the pain
Is so much easier
than changing the game

On my walks, 
I come to find
that I see more than before
And I'm no longer blind

What I need to feel,
eventually finds a way  through
to my broken heart
An attempt to make it new

I can fight it,
or give in to the hurt
Walk down my path
or put my face in the dirt

Into the dark
I fear what may come
But how much longer
can
I stay numb

The truth is upon me
Showing me the way
To my own salvation
and hope for today

The moon of yesterday
is aglow on the snow
While the sun of tomorrow
Lies somewhere I can't go

Yet...