October's Silver Lining...

October has always been my favorite month of the year. My birthday, Halloween and the beauty of Autumn, are all wrapped up in this one glorious month. Of course it's my favorite. Four years ago, when my brother unexpectedly passed away on October 15th, I thought October would be ruined forever. How could I ever love the month that took my best friend? For a while I couldn't...

But this year is different. I just recently came to the realization that I'm no longer focused on the horrible thing that happened to me in October 2011. Instead I'm focused on the miracle that has been born from my brother's death. Most of us want to believe in miracles and we see them as something that only happens through the living, but I truly believe there was a miracle in my brother's passing.

My brother's death shook me so hard that it forced me to get butt-naked honest with myself. I had to take a sincerely honest look at my life, because I had no idea who I truly was. I wasn't happy or feeling fulfilled and things needed to change. My own mortality was realized, the day I lost the closest peer I've ever known. If Nick's life could be cut short, so could mine. Anyone who knew my brother, knew that he was a huge fan of having a good time. While he was alive, Nick lived... I needed to start doing the same.

A million things have happened in the last four years, since my brother died. I've also made a million choices that were governed by my new outlook on living life while I'm alive. I've made really hard choices that I never thought I could make. I've done things that I only dreamed of doing. I've gotten so vulnerable and grown so much... and I can trace it all back to loosing my brother and gaining an attitude of urgency and living for today, that only his death could give me.

The miracle wasn't that my brother beat addiction and went on to live happy, joyous and free. Unfortunately, he didn't get that opportunity. The miracle is that his death was a catalyst for me to change my own life... in turn changing the lives of everyone I touch. Even though Nick isn't here with me in the physical world, he still touches every part of my journey. His vivacious spirit is sprinkled over everything I do.

Today, when I think back to that horrendous day in 2011, I know it was the first day of my new life. I refuse to let a tragedy as big as Nick's death, not stand for something great. My life today is richer than it's ever been, despite missing Nick. I spend my days being grateful for the abundance that has come my way... a wonderful daughter, great friends, a partner that accepts all of me, a loving family and a life full of opportunities to be my true self. These things may not seem like much to some, but they are everything to me... because I had to work extremely hard for each and every one of them.

I had to change a lot, in order to be happy. Now I understand what it means when they say, "Happiness is a choice." It certainly is. Every single day I have to find the humility, honesty and tenacity to fight for my own happiness. I have to take the high road with those that want to bring me down. I have to look at my part in everything and get honest with myself about where I need to make improvements. I have to see past the end of my own nose, in order to be kind, loving and of service to those that need me. It isn't easy, but it's certainly worth it.

This October, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the path that I've been shown, following tragedy. I'm thankful for all of the opportunities that the Universe has given me to grow into my true self. I'm not focused on what was taken from me, four years ago today, but what I've gained in that time.
I miss my brother more with each passing day, but I'm comforted by the fact that he's guiding me in a way that no one else can. Today I celebrate the positive attributes of change.

In Loving Memory of Nick Schemenauer 1983 - 2011

Get over yourselves, America: My two cents on Body Acceptance

I don't usually write opinion pieces, but this week a certain subject has been on my mind, as well as my newsfeed. By now, many people are familiar with Tess Holliday, the first size 22 model to be signed to a major modeling agency. Not only is Tess gorgeous, but she's a body-positive activist. Launched in 2013, her #effyourbeautystandards movement on social media, has been delivering the message that women should feel confident in their bodies, regardless of their size and what society tells them is beautiful. Hundreds of thousands of followers have found positive messages, images and support through this movement... me included.

I guess that's why I find it so disheartening when I read negative comments about Tess and what she's doing, as a role model. One of the main arguments I see is that celebrating a plus size model is promoting obesity. I fail to see the logic in that. All my life I've seen thin models on the covers of magazines, on the pages inside and on practically every advertisement for pretty much any product I can think of. The majority of the actors and actresses I've seen in movies and TV have also been thin. Our society promotes thinness as beauty. It promotes thinness as the standard. When I see someone like Tess, someone that looks more like me than 99.9% of the models that I've been exposed to my entire life, I can't help but get excited.

 See, the thing is... I'm over weight and have been for most of my life. Not because I eat much differently than anyone else, but because I'm predisposed to being a larger person. For me to be thin, I'd really have to work hard at it and I still would likely never be small. It's just not the way I'm built. I certainly do know how to exercise, limit what I eat and make healthy choices, but like most average Americans, I don't always do that perfectly. Sometimes I don't feel like taking my usual 3 mile walk between my two physical jobs and instead, swing through the drive-thru and grab something off the dollar menu. Sometimes (okay, every year) I sneak my favorite candy from my daughter's trick-or-treat stash. Sometimes I eat an entire sleeve of thin mints, straight out of the freezer because, why not? I enjoy food and relaxing as much as anyone else... and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't live off of salad and rice cakes and jog 10 miles a day... not because salad isn't tasty and a brisk jog isn't invigorating, but because that's not how I choose to live my life. A lot of people don't, regardless of their size. In my experience, my exercise and eating habbits are not that dissimilar from many other single, working moms, with two jobs.  And there are a lot of other fat Americans just like me.

The problem I have with the negative attitudes towards fat people is that it's automatically assumed that we're all lazy, over eaters with terrible health problems. While that's true for many people - again, regardless of size, it's not necessarily the standard for over weight individuals. It certainly isn't for Tess Holliday, who often posts pictures with her personal trainer, on her instagram account. Many of us are living our lives just like thin people do, except we have a few more inches on our waist lines. Should we really be chastised for not working our tails off, to conform to society's idea of beautiful?

This is a big reason why I find it so disgusting that people are equating a plus size model with the promotion of obesity and an unhealthy lifestyle. It's as if society expects all fat people to just hole up in our houses and eat ourselves to death. Like we shouldn't be allowed to be a part of the American culture... we shouldn't be allowed in fashion, or Hollywood, or pretty much anywhere... all because we're fat. As soon as we come out and say, "Hey, look at me! I'm big and beautiful. I'm proud of the skin I'm in and I love my body exactly as it is today!", we're promoting obesity. Really, America?
 
Notice I didn't say, "Hey look at me! I eat like a damn pig and I have no regard for my well being! I'm not trying to improve my health at all. I'm just happy being huge and everybody else should do the same thing I'm doing!"... because that's not the message. The message is, "Just because you're fat, doesn't mean you're not a beautiful person." We don't generally make assumptions about the health of an "average sized" person, just by looking at them. Why is it okay to do that to the very large, or the very small? It's not. The fact is, you can't really tell shit about someone's health, by looking at a picture. And another novel concept... A person's health is their own business! Seriously.

At one time I was definitely a victim of society's messages that thin = beauty. It never caused me to develop bulimia, but it did contribute to my low self esteem, especially as a teenager and young adult. It perpetuated the idea that, unless I looked like the Photoshopped and airbrushed, size 0 models on the cover of Vogue, I wasn't beautiful and I wasn't good enough. It made me question myself every time I walked into a room full of people. Were they seeing me, or just another fat girl? Should I sit on the couch or the chair? Which one will hide my love handles better? How many chins do I have right now? Is this shirt suctioning to my rolls? Am I the fattest person here?

I wasted so much energy, worrying about being fat, but you know what? It never pushed me towards successful weight loss. Society's message that thin = beauty, never motivated me to jog 10 miles a day and live off of salad... it just made me feel like shit about myself. America isn't at war with obesity, it's at war with having to look at the fat body. The people who argue that the body-positive movement promotes unhealthy lifestyles, are using that argument to hide behind the fact that they really just don't want to have to look at my fat ass. Well, too bad.

The new body-positive me, that celebrates plus size model Tess Holliday, is confident in my skin. I look at myself in the mirror everyday and try to accept every bump, bulge, stretch mark and scar. I'm not always successful at accepting all of me, but I'm making amazing progress and it all started with me liking a few body-positive pages on Facebook... filling my newsfeed with beautiful women who resemble my body type. I began to see larger women wearing styles that, until that point, I only saw on thin people. This encouraged me to explore my own style further and to really start to embrace my curves. And it just keeps getting better for me!

In the last 10 months I think I've lost about 15 pounds. I'm not totally sure, because I don't even own a scale. The 15 pounds isn't really that big of a deal, especially since I wasn't actually trying to do it. What's more important is that I feel sexier and more confident in my skin than I ever have before... because I'm taking better care of myself physically and emotionally. I'm still not doing it perfectly and I probably never will, but the pressure is totally off. When I can truly accept myself exactly how I am and where I am in my life, I have freedom. Accepting myself doesn't mean that I'm content to make bad choices and compromise my health. It means that I'm honest with myself, compassionate towards my body and okay with who I am. It means I get to be me while I'm alive, instead of waiting around until I get skinny...